just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We need to get me chipped asap
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize