the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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