Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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