Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
