When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
babies were throwing up all over the place
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
