What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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