I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
