I'm gonna have a badass scar
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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