I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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