At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
