True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just cut my nipple shaving
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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