so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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