Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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