Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
