apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize