Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
