I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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