i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
