if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
