I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
