I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
