if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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