I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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