You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
