Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I want is dick and wine.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
