Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
