Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
