The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
