Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am available for nakedness
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
