So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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