So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
