I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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