hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
