It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize