She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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