So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize