I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
