onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
