Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
