shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
