If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
