I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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