Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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