I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
