Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
