Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
