It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
