Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
