Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
