I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
