a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize