That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
