He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize