you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
