oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
