the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
