I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
